On Struggling with Food and Intuitive Eating.

I’ve struggled with food for a long time.  I was a healthy-weight kid until about 4th grade. I ended up being put into a “gifted and talented” program  (G & T)(Note: I don’t think I’m gifted and talented over the average person. This is just what the program was called. Also of note: I hated every second of this program and will never place any of my children in one. I don’t blame my parents though. They did what they thought would be right for me.) at that time and it necessitated me moving from the elementary school within walking distance of my home to one across town.  With the stress of moving to a new school, spending extra time on a bus, being uprooted from many of my friends, and being thrust into the social dynamic of the G&T program along with the extra academic work involved, I became depressed and began to eat emotionally. Looking back, I can see that that is really where my issues with food and disordered eating began.

In reality, I wasn’t nearly as ginormous as my mind told me I was (and never have been since), but ever since that time I have considered myself “the fat one.” I’ve tried quite a few diets. Weightwatchers (multiple times), classic calorie counting, South Beach and, most recently – Paleo.

Now, I never really thought I was someone who had disordered eating. Eating disorders tend to be associated with anorexia and bulimia and I have neither of those. I always just figured I had a lack of willpower, and needed to force myself to eat what I “should” eat in the “proper” portions.  I’ve been in the vicious deprivation cycle for at least 15 years. Go on a diet, be “good” for a few weeks (or months), feel deprived – but noble, lose weight…and eventually it all falls apart. I end up binging on things I don’t even like in what they call “last supper” eating because I told myself I couldn’t have them, and I better get my fill of them now before I go back to being “good!” I would “closet eat” – sneaking snacks when noone could see me. Being embarassed to order at restaurants because of the ludicrous idea that people were judging me because overweight people don’t deserve to eat. Or overweight people should only eat salads because they need to lose weight.  I’m using past tense here – but really we’re talking about last week. Not 3 years ago.

I’ve always seen people who, at least outwardly, appear to be able to eat without stress and been incredibly jealous.  Why do they get to just eat while I have to obsess about food in order to “control myself”?  Why is it so easy for them and so hard for me? Because my eating is disordered. I’ve spent so many years on the deprivation cycle that I have no idea how to honor my hunger. I eat alloted amounts because I tracked that much darnit and I’m going to get as much into me as I’m allowed. Or I’m going to order something that’s at least percieved to be more healthy even though I don’t really want it because I “should” – and then end up eating even more than I otherwise would have because what I ate didn’t satisfy my cravings.

I’ve recently come across a concept called Intuitive Eating (IE). I learned about it by reading a couple of my favorite blogs on my blogroll – Fitting It All In and A Dash of Meg.  Both Clare and Meghan have recently taken part in  Jamie of StudioEats 21 Day Intuitive Eating challenge. They’ve inspired me, so I signed up and picked up a copy of a book on Intuitive Eating (the book isn’t necessarily associated with the StudioEats challenge. I just picked it up to help facilitate my journey.)

So this is where I’m at. I want to be able to be one of those people who eats with ease. I don’t want to feel hungry. I’m exhausted.  Utterly exhausted by worrying about what I “should” eat.  I’m tired of being embarrassed by the food I eat and my weight.

So today, I’m going to start working on healing my relationship with food. It’s not going to be easy and I’m not expecting instant success. I discovered this morning that eating without distractions is HARD, and I have completely lost touch of my real hunger signals.  I’ve started a journal  – not tracking my food intake, but tracking my thoughts. Assessing my hunger levels as I eat. Making sure I actually WANT what I’m eating.

The challenge officially starts on April 1, but I don’t want to wait. I’ll blog about it as I go.  Here’s hoping I can break the cycle.

Monica

 

 

I’m Back! + Weekly Menu Plan 6/2-6/14

I’m sure you can guess the reason for my long absence. Little David was born 4/17/12 and the last 6 weeks have been a crazy, beautiful adjustment period. He’s a very sweet little boy who is quite attached to his mama (I’ll post a picture soon – most of them are on my phone, so I’ll have to post one from there).

The house is starting to get back to clean(ish), he’s sleeping a bit more, I have a working computer available (WOO!)and I’ve managed to make a menu plan (I’m amazed too).

I’ve modified our planning period a bit because we’ve taken out CSA shares this year and we pick them up on Thursdays. This coming Thursday (6/14) will be our first pickup! I’m going to do my best to post a CSA-haul. We have two – the first is your basic veggie share. We have a half-share that we will pick up every week. The second is an organic fruit share that we’ll pick up every other week. The fruit share is really interesting because it’s not necessarily local – the description says we can expect things like peaches, apricots, plums, mangos, etc – and citrus in the winter (we’re getting the fruit share year-round). I’m excited to have quality fruit at my fingertips!

Anyway, here’s the plan for this week. 🙂

Sat: Grilled steak, potatoes, veggie

This is your basic summery grilled meal – a couple good steaks, potatoes w/ onions & butter in a foil packet, and a veggie. Hoping I can find some asparagus at the store today! We’ll grill some extra steak for tomorrow’s salads.
Sun: Steak cobb salads

The inspiration for this meal is linked above, but we’ll be simplifying it a bit and using what’s around the house – it’ll be more along  the lines of : Spinach, sliced steak, hard-boiled eggs, avocado, cherry/grape tomatoes, blue cheese and possibly some blue cheese dressing. If not, I’ll make some homemade honey mustard vinaigrette. I might add some garlic bread as a side.
Mon: Pepperoni mushroom pizza w/ salad

This is our go-to homemade pizza, you’ve seen it before – nothing too special.
Tues: Crockpot shredded beef sandwiches, sweet potato fries, veggie.

Crockpot shredded beef was one of our make-ahead meals for when David was born and we just finished it. We froze it in 1-cup portions, and that was perfect for dinner for Mr. Nest & I. I’m going to have Mr. Nest pick up a brisket at Costco so I can make & freeze some more.

Wed: Crockpot stroganoff, salad

This stroganoff recipe is both incredibly easy and delicious.  Midwestern comfort food at its best. Mr. Nest loves stroganoff, and it makes great leftovers.
Thur: Tortellini w/ pesto, mushrooms, oven-dried tomatoes & garlic bread.

Easy to throw together, and we have everything we need in the freezer/fridge. One of our stand-bys, as you all probably know.

Can you believe it’s June already? Yikes.

Monica

My General Ideas for Getting Back to Comfortable Post-Baby

In this most-uncomfortable phase of pregnancy (17 days until my due date – YIKES!) I’ve been working on making a plan for myself.  Now, I plan on breastfeeding to the best of my ability, so this certainly won’t include crash-dieting, or extreme calorie restriction or anything like that.  I am dedicated, however, to getting myself back to “comfortable” at the very least. Comfortable is not my goal weight/size, but just where clothes FIT and I feel fairly comfortable in my skin.

This will be the first of multiple posts. As I’ve been working on  my plan (planning really helps me out) I’ve re-entered the world of fitness, health and weight loss – and many of the things I’ve been seeing have made me very frustrated, sometimes even steam-coming-out-of-my-ears MAD.

General ideas on posts on this topic to follow:

– The all-or-nothing approach that American society takes to nutrition (All fat is bad, all carbs are bad, all sugar is bad….you’ve all seen it in action).

– The broken food system.

– My take on balance. This topic will be broached a little in this short post, but I plan to really dig into it later.

– My written plan for back-to-comfy – which ties into my take on balance.

Of course – once baby arrives, things may happen slower on the blog (not that I’ve been a terribly prolific poster lately anyway)- so be patient with me!

 

General thoughts:

Ah, The dreaded – “losing the baby weight.” For me, this is more effectively “losing-the-baby-weight-and-then-some.”

I’ve spent my life convinced that the only ways to be at a healthy weight are these:

1) Have a superfast metabolism. My husband falls into this category. He insists it’s really starting to catch up with him as he nears the end of his 20s but I maintain that he still has no idea how easy he has it in the weight maintenance category. I’m certainly not blessed with a metabolism like this – so I won’t address it further.

2) Excessive, intense and unrelenting practice of cardio. Cardio, cardio, cardio, MORE CARDIO. Throw in some strength so you’re kinda toned, and then do some more CARDIO.  While you’re working on that cardio – you need to restrict your calories. Calories in, calories burned through your relentless cardio sessions, and cut out major food groups.  No sugar or refined carbs – they make you fat. No dairy – it makes you fat. No red meat – it makes you fat.  No treats! Treats make you a failure! You must subsist on lean poultry, fish, veggies and some fruit.

Does that previous paragraph stress you out? Me too. Which is why I’m going to do my best not to go anywhere near that approach as I work to get my body back to comfortable after little Mr. Tot arrives.

Things I will not do:

• Start really dieting immediately postpartum. I’ll be eating healthy, yes, and being active as soon as I am able, but I’m not going to restrict calories. I’ll have myself PLUS a growing infant to nourish, and nursing requires a higher calorie intake than pregnancy.
• Cut out major food groups.
• Trap myself through things that obligate me to dedicate myself to a specific type of activity. This means, no running endurance events. A sprint tri might fit in the next couple years since I very much enjoy biking, swimming and running (but not in excess (please note, excess for me =/= excess for you)), and a sprint tri is very manageable to train for without having to focus too heavily on the 3 sports. However, I won’t be embarking on longer distance tris or other endurance events. At least for now.
• Count calories/points/etc obsessively. This stresses me out. It consumes my life. It is ultimately the reason I give up on weight loss attempts because I feel like I have to track and if I’m not tracking I’m a failure. Forget it. I doubt I’ll have time for this with a newborn anyway.

Things I will do:

• Attempt to photo-track my food on my tumblr blog (monicarenee144.tumblr.com – I do this now, if you’re ever wondering what I eat). This is much faster and lower stress than calorie counting, but still provides a similar benefit. I might miss tracking meals or sometimes days. I’m OK with that.
• I will enjoy dessert in moderation. I will eat steak. I will pair my steak with some veggies because, yes, they ARE good for me. I will eat bread. I will find the diet that makes me feel best. Note that I said FEEL best not LOSE WEIGHT best. I’m tired of the latter pursuit. It only results in stress. I will fuel my body in such a way that both myself and my nursing child (hopefully I’m successful in the nursing thing) are supported nutritionally. This doesn’t include extreme calorie restriction, ever.
• Stay active. This could include all kinds of things. I’m hoping to integrate things I love like cycling (I miss my bike!), swimming, running, Turbokick and Turbofire (individual TF classes, not a specific Beachbody program – also too restrictive for me!), strength training, inline skating, Doggie park trips with Boo (yes this counts!), walks with the little one and Boo, maybe a yoga class or two, possibly some P90x videos if I’m in the mood, Pilates (I LOVE Pilates), etc. If I can make it work I might even try Crossfit for a little while. It intrigues me. I won’t be going Paleo though. Nope.

 

I’ll be back with those posts I mentioned once I get coherent blog posts prepped…on the off chance anyone is interested. 🙂

Monica

Make-ahead Meals and other Food for when the Tot arrives

I’ve been ramping up with prepping easy meals for when the Tot arrives. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to have any desire whatsoever for food prep for those first couple weeks, so I’m determined to make it as easy for myself as possible. To be honest, I already have no desire to cook..or clean…or do anything but sleep. I think my fatigue is drowning out my nesting instinct – Mr. Nest seems to be nesting more than I am!

I know that needing to eat milder food (not spicy – which isn’t a huge problem for us since Mr. Nest isn’t into the super-spice) and go dairy free are some common things that Mom’s need to do while nursing – so I’m trying to prep mild, low/no dairy foods in case I fit into either category. Because of this I’m leery of prepping some of my favorite dishes (turkey & spinach lasagna, eggplant parmesan, etc), but those might be a bit heavy for late spring/early summer anyway. Mr. Nest keeps talking about soup, but It’s pretty unlikely that I’ll actually eat that. He might make some anyway.

So, here’s the plan so far:

I’m working on stocking up on some staples – so I have a big bag of tortellini in the freezer, multiple cans of black beans (no-cook protein and fiber! Add brown rice & some salsa and you’re good-to-go), tortillas, bread, frozen fruit, oatmeal, cereal, spaghetti sauce, pitas – and that’s where it’s at so far. I might think of something else we need. I’m also going to do my best to make sure we have an ample supply of perishables like bananas and other whole fruit, eggs, fresh greens (spinach most likely) and milk on hand for the next few weeks, as well as plenty of food for Balou (the dog).

Mr. Nest is also planning on picking up a few of the pre-made frozen meals from Costco. We haven’t tried any of them yet, but they should be good in a pinch, and we’ve been very impressed with almost everything we’ve gotten from Costco so far!

Already Made:

–           Banana bread (2 loaves in the freezer)

–          Individual Chicken Pot Pies (3 or 4 in the freezer)

–          Whole wheat waffles (a batch in the freezer, I might make another one)

March 26 – April 1 (36 weeks)

–          Make marinade & freeze –  Hula Steak – a recipe from a friend who was kind enough to send me a whole list of ideas! Since I’ll be having a late spring baby I’m prepping more stuff for the grill – less dishes and no heating up the house. Hopefully Mr. Nest will have enough energy to be grillmaster.  (Wednesday – DONE)

–          Prep/marinate flank steak for beef w/ snow peas & freeze (Wednesday – DONE) We’ll probably end up eating this w/ frozen green beans instead of snow peas, but it’s just as good!

–          Oven Roast cherry tomatoes  – I love to throw these in pastas and on sandwiches. Yum. (Wednesday – DONE)

–          Make a bunch of Pesto – this has some parmesan cheese of course, but not too much! (Thursday)

–          Make Mexican rice for stuffed peppers (Thursday)

–          Make & Freeze stuffed peppers  – I’ll make these cheese-free and then if I need to be dairy-free I’ll just add cheese to Mr. Nest’s portion when we reheat. (Friday)

–          Breakfast burritos: 2 kinds (Thursday, Friday or Sunday) I’m hoping these will be good to heat & eat one-handed.

• Regular egg, reduced fat sausage & maybe cheese – I’ll probably add some veggies and the remainder of a bag of hash-brown potatoes that is sitting in the freezer
• Black beans, spinach/veggies & egg. -Dairy free & high in protein. Hopefully Tot doesn’t have a problem with black beans.

–          Make marinade & freeze Hawaiian Grilled Chicken (Make this chicken today. It’s utterly delicious – another grilled recipe!) and Teriyaki Chicken (another recipe from that lovely friend who sent me a nice long list!) (Sunday)

April 2-8 (37 weeks)

–          Crockpot Shredded BBQ Beef (Monday)  – I’ll make a big pot and freeze some of the leftovers.

–          Pizza dough  – freeze individual pizza sized blobs – (During the week)

–          Make mashed potatoes – freeze in muffin tins (Friday)

–          Meatloaf in Muffin tins (Friday) No specific recipe here, just some meatloaf. Hopefully these will be easy to heat up for a quick dinner or crumble over some greens for a salad.

–          Make beef enchilada filling (beef, onions, spices) & enchilada sauce (I may jar some extra if I’m ambitious) I’m  not sure if I’ll prep a pan of enchiladas or not. If I do, I’ll make it dairy-free and cheese can be added later. Luckily, the enchilada sauce is super-flavorful but not spicy at all in my opinion. (Saturday)

–          Mini -Oatmeal Raisin Cookies, some of these Raspberry Breakfast Bars (I LOVE these, plus they have some nutrition in with the dessert-ishness  – hey oatmeal and raspberries have nutrition!) and maybe some chocolate-white chocolate chip cookies (Ok these? No nutrition. Unless you decide to buy into the whole recent “people who eat chocolate regularly are thinner” business. I’ll take it! Sometimes a girl just needs chocolate!)- freeze (Saturday)

April 9-15 – 38 weeks

This week isn’t planned out as well yet, but there are a few things I’m planning on making.  I’m expecting to be even more fatigued and and uncomfortable, so I’m thinking I’ll wind down on my prep this week. Or he could arrive/have arrived by this point. Who knows?

–          Spanish Chicken & Rice – This recipe sounds good, and we’ve always got chicken thighs on hand. I’ll probably use boneless/skinless since that’s what we have.

–          Meatballs – make, brown, & freeze – then I can toss them in a pot of marinara for sandwiches or pasta if I want.

So – there’s my plan! I’m hoping it’ll set us up pretty well. Of course things could change if Tot decides to arrive prior to his due date, or I might reorganize a bit if my schedule gets thrown off.

Suggestions/recommendations are always welcome of course!

Monica